Story behind my University dropout

Bez názvu Hey. If you happened to read one of my previous articles from my “other” category, you might know a little about me by now. For this article are important this 2 articles ” I – an artist where I explain my interest in art and connection to pharmacy and this one called How I became a vegetarian and how my mental health made me stop – very personal article explaining a lot about what happened to me in last few years.

You don’t really need to read those articles to really understand this one (even thought it would be super nice of you) as I’ll try to sum it up in here as well.

Introduction to how I got here:

As a kid I loved to draw and my dream job was to be artist. My mum is a pharmacist assistant and she used to take me to her job a lot as a kid. When the time to make my life career  decision came at great age of 15 I stood in front of the hardest decision any teenager could possibly make – What next?

Of course the inner child in me screamed “artist” but the realist in me started questioning this dream of mine. I was good at chemistry and biology, I was straight A student thanks to my parents strict nature, no B or worse were ever allowed as I would get grounded, banned TV or computer. I remember crying a lot if I did not get 100% at some test or ever got B that was way much worse. Primary school was over and here comes the next part.

Part one in my breakdown:

Because of perfect results of mine it was easy to get to Medical Vocational High School to study pharmacy as my mum did. It was the same school my mum attended, same (very old) teachers taught us both and I even lived at same girls dormitory as she did.

But I was no longer straight A student (like my mum was ) and it upset me a lot.

Looking back I’m so glad I made it and I’m so grateful I have some profession now as it is much easier for me to get a job than if I went to grammar high school, but it was hell  no matter how glad I am i went through it.

Far away from home, living on my own, school was harder than I thought and the pressure of following my mothers footsteps was noticeable.

Being depressed teenager who feels like they are failing their parents in not bringing in the greatest grades was when my first health problems started. I was stressing way too much, shaking, hyperventilating, vomiting and having my first panic attacks before almost every test.

But yeah no one else is feeling that way so I’m just weak and need to pull my shit together. I started taking pills and drops to calm me down. Worked for a bit but you can’t expect them to fix me for next 4 years.

Even the worst year (in my case 4) must end sometime and I was finally Pharmacist assistant as my mum. And check this out: WTH STRAIGHT A FINAL CERTIFICATE,

High school is over – What next ? I had all I needed to work and get paid pretty well already but as my parents ( who never went to university) wanted just the best for me and wanted to give me the opportunity to get my degree and have slightly better life I started thinking about university on their behalf.

Part 2 in my breakdown:

So proud of myself, full of dreams and great belief I could be more than just a pharmacist assistant I set myself higher goals – to be doctor or dentist. I send out 4 (very expensive) applications – 3 to Bratislava – to medical, dental and pharmacy school and 1 to Hradec Kralove – pharmacy.

I attended every entrance exam which I studied very hard for and paid a lot of money for extra tutorage.

But the results that came was not something I was prepared for. I wasn’t good enough for any of them.

I remember me and my classmates were at this cottage in forest having our last goodbye party when the results came and not one af us who send out application to Charles university in Hradec Kralove pharmacy got in.  We all cried and got so drunk that night.

But that was not the end for me –  I refused.  I send out appeals back and waited if they could find one more spot for me if someone from the students already accepted would choose not to study there.

Me and my family were at family holiday in Bulgaria at that time when I got letter from Charles university stating that they reconsidered my application and decided to accept me into their school. I remember my mum coming to my room with tears in her eyes and hugging me saying I got in. That night we got drunk as well.

Funny thing is I never really wanted to send my application to Charles university. I did not want to study pharmacy anymore, U had it enough for the last 4 years and I was interested in something new now. But my parents convinced me to send it there as a safety in case I did not get into the school I actually wanted – medicine. But when I found out I got accepted to pharmacy and seeing how happy my parents were I was actually relieved i did not disappoint them again. I convinced myself that this was my destiny and i am supposed to be pharmacist with Mgr. degree. This is what i want from now on. No one other from my class got accepted there so i was facing moving to different state and studying at old famous university all by myself.

Part 3 of my breakdown:

I was 19 and starting university right after high school. After my stress related problems I was very worried how would I manage university that was supposed to be way more stressful that any high school exam could. But for my and my family’s great surprise i was OK. No panic attacks no stress. I should have known something was odd as i was feeling nothing at all. No stress, no worries, no pressure, no excitement no nothing. But i was too busy studying, making new friends, exploring new country and of course as any first year at university – partying.

I was passing my exams quite ok, some at first and some at third time. But there was this one I did not make – Organic chemistry 1. It was very upsetting for me cuz I knew I understand this subject very well and I was teaching and explaining it to my friends, who all passed it but i couldn’t pass my own exam. I was always missing 0,5 points.  If i did not pass this subject i could not take Organic chemistry 2 exam and some other subject related to that so I would not have enough credits to get to second year. So what I and many other students before me did in this situations is this:  quit your first year, send application to school again, pass entrance exam and get accepted again, go to first year again, ask for acceptance of all your already passed exams and focus on organic chemistry and subjects from second year. That’s what i did – i was first year student 2 years in a row on paper but i was studying second year with rest of my classmates.

I tried to screw the system but in the end system screwed me.

At this time something in me broke and things got pretty messed up. Now would be really good if you could read whole story of my mental health issues in HERE. But to make it short I was going from doctor to doctor for around 6 months – final diagnose : Panic disorder and severe depression.

I missed most of my lessons and couldn’t attend exams. I ask my school to excuse me from my duties as I had health problems but they refused to accept it as a valid reason to miss school and even thought I had enough credits for next year they simply send me to “middle year” I was no longer first year nor second year even thought I had most of second year finished. I was pretty angry as I hit rock bottom for this school, spend 2 years of my life there and they still treated me like nothing.

At the beginning of 2017/2018 school year I’ve spent most of my time at home as we were building new house and I was helping out a lot. Second part of semester  I found part-time job at KFC to earn some money and spend time as I was having only one class at school every 2 weeks.

Bussy with my part-time job and blogging job I tried to spend all of my free time studying. Unfortunately  ( or maybe luckily ) few days before my exams my notebook broke down with all of my notes,books and other study materials. Obviously I failed the test and even thought I still got one more chance to retake it, no one from the professor would set another term for us so basically got kicked out of university and I never felt so free.

There is still chance for me to send out application for first year again but honestly I don’t have the nerves for any of that crap anymore and study 5 year school program for over 8 years and pay shit ton of money for it. I don’t have interest in being tested anymore.

So I quit.

Conclusion:

How do I call it? Destiny? God’s plan? Failure? My stubborn refusal to quit no matter what sigh was thrown into my way ?

God send me clear message when I did not get accepted to university but I said: “No God I don’t like your plan I’m gonna do it my way”. Then after first year he said: “Natalia listen this school really is not for you and you should quit” And i was like ” Nope, you’re  wrong, I’m gonna try it again and make it this time” God: “K – Here have depression – will you quit now?” Me: “Eh.. nope?Let’s try it again” God: “How many times do they need to kick you out for you to realize this is not what I have planed for you? Me: “Well i guess you’re right I’m gonna quit now”

It took me a while to sort my life priorities intro right order and put myself, my happiness first.  It took me 3 years and several suicidal thoughts to realize I can’t keep living trying to make everyone around me  happy except for me.

I appreciate everything my parents did for me and I tried to give back and did everything they wanted me to do but in the end I’m studying for myself not my parents. Of course they are so disappointed in me and ashamed for being uni dropout but they are also ashamed to have depressed daughter, still think I’m making it all up, don’t approve of any of my life choices, critical of my work, art, blog or fashion brand im currently creating. Maybe university degree will finally please them but I’m not gonna risk my health for possibility of my parents approval. They need to say goodbye to daughter they dreamed to have and try to settle for daughter they have.

I could write down all of the cheesy self empowering quotes and be all sloppy about new-found point in life, but I cringe at just thought of that. Here is the list of stupid questions I got asked so far and my answers:

Won’t you regret it when you’re older?

Maybe but it’s what I want right now. I never really planed my future before as i never believed I could have any, I always assumed i would die till I’m 25. Now i don’t plan for future cuz there are just so many things I want to do and have the opportunity to do I can’t limit myself in something simple like “plan”

I don’t even regret not quitting sooner. If I quit earlier I might never fall into such health problems but I would also never met people I met, friends i made on the way, blog i created, countries i traveled and i would probably not be in this clear and free state of mind.

Couldn’t you just keep it for few more years?

No. Last year I thought I was gonna die for real and realized I’ve spent majority of my life worrying about school. I’ve learned so much about myself and I learned how to listen to my body as it knows best what I really need.

What will you do without a degree?

I’m pharmacy assistant, I’ll work in pharmacy.

You would earn much more money if you finish university.

(Not really a question) Yeah I’ll probably miss the money, but I have blog, sponsors and own fashion brand as an extra income so I think I’ll be fine.

You  wasted 3 years?!

Let’s talk about definition of “wasted” for a bit. I believe we all have different definition of this word as we all consider useless something else. I’ve spent this 3 years studying, making new friends, working, traveling, reviewing, writing, creating, changing and growing as a person and if you consider that time wasted because I don’t have 3 extra letters in front of my name I can’t really fight you on that.

You give up too easily. Every other student made it.

Do I? Really?

I don’t have the strength to explain how we are all individuals with different abilities, interests and qualities anymore.

Let me just tell you that every year Charles university accepts around 500+ students to first year. Fifth year and degree get 50 people a year. Yay school system.

What now?

Anything.

Why am I writing this down? I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, judge me or anything even thought it’s ok if you do. I just want to show how unpredictable life is and you can have planed every single aspect of your life until it all comes crumbling down so you can build something better.

If you are student, truly interested in what you study I wish you all of the luck to do what makes you happy.  If you are uni/college drop out like me I wish ou all of the luck to do what makes you happy. Take your own time and pace.

Comparison will kill you.

Thank you so much for your attention

xo Natalia

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Posted by

My name is Natalia I'm 22 years old from Slovakia. Read about my passion for fashion and travel.

33 thoughts on “Story behind my University dropout

  1. You just can’t base your happiness on other people’s expectations no matter how important they are to you. Doesn’t matter if you change direction over and over again. You have to do things to figure out what you want to do. I think that is much healthier than setting a single course for yourself and never veering from it. Hope you’re doing well.

    Liked by 6 people

  2. My college experience was different from yours, but there are aspects I can certainly relate to. I was only diagnosed with depression and anxiety in 2008, but I’ve known I had these issues since I was a child. In 2001 I graduated from community college and decided to transfer to the University of Pennsylvania. I cannot describe well enough how difficult it was–especially since I majored in Physics. My grades there weren’t exactly good, and my stress levels were sky high. Still, I got to live in Philadelphia for three years and that part of it was one of the best experiences in my life and I’m glad I did it. I don’t know exactly what your situation felt like, but I think I understand enough to sympathize.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Accepting yourself for who you are is difficult, but rewarding. I sympathize with your experience with organic chemistry. When I took it, I thought it was the most difficult class I ever had, and that includes my law school classes.
    There’s a quote I like from an American 19th century writer, Henry Thoreau.
    “Every path but your own is the path of fate; keep on your own track then.”

    Liked by 3 people

  4. They say that the modern woman is all sorts of things, usual cultural marxist jibber jabber. I’d say, like many have said, have some babies and find out what it means to bring into the world ones wholly dependent on parents and family. Apparently it puts all the other things in perspective, when they kick their little feet and such. Hopefully things are going better, those Juniversities are poisonous the way they are these days.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. You are a fighter indeed. All these things you’ve faced and certain realizations about what is good for you – make you. These things have helped you discover yourself and what you have finally done.
    More power to you. God bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am a CFP, but I wanted my children to pursue THEIR gifts . My daughter is studying to be an artist in LA.
    Trust that God has the plan. He gave you gifts & expects you to use them. SO HAPPY that through your trials you are now realize it . If the path is long, it is God – molding, shaping, and building us to be the best YOU . So just be YOU ! Nice honest writing .

    Liked by 2 people

  7. From what I’ve read, you have many points in your favor. Some are “glow” points, and some are “grow” points. You seem like a passionate individual who wants the highest and best for yourself, and for those you love. In my opinion, and also colorful experience, I have learned best by not getting it all right on the first go. The frustration that comes with failing forward however is a great propeller. It drives us to keep going despite what we feel aren’t our best days.

    How will we know when you’ve made it if we have nothing to compare it with that isn’t exactly where we thought we were headed? My motto has always been: “Always Tested, Never Beaten.” I promise you it’s all about attitude. By the way, your attitude is more important than anyone else’s!

    When you study in the light, it’s because a guy by the name of Thomas Edison got it wrong more times than he got it right.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Your beautiful words just made my day. Thank you so much for adding such magical drop of words in my jar of motivation.I feel blessed by your writing right now.
    I found delight love in what you just said in your post.
    Again such a beautiful write up on your blog.
    Keep the vibes on.

    #PATRICKSTORIES
    Peace ✌and Love ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Wow, amazing strength and courage. You are making the best life choices and we can all learn from your experiences. Keep on your journey and keep blogging for all to read. Cheers Mick

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hi dear…I understood from your replies that you are a rebellious soul….you have the spunk to achieve something really good…so keep up the hard work and do write blogs like this…loved your writing…..

    Like

  11. My daughter, who is 10 years older than you, dropped out of the university when she was your age. Most of the relatives were disappointed in her, but we (her mother and I) could see she wasn’t into it. She spent the next several years working and doing things she likes. She finally decided what she wanted to study, went back to the university three years ago, and received her bachelor’s degree in December 2017. The thing is we live in the USA, where you can always go back to school. We lived in Spain for nearly 4 years, and there, at that time, dropping out and then going back to school later was not an easy option. Do you have to option to go back to school later? I assume, like Spain, it’s not easy to go back to school in your country. And that makes your decision to drop out a really major decision. I dropped out of high school when I was 16. I was working and I hated school , and I have never regretted dropping out. When people start putting down dropouts, I will challenge about what their problems with dropouts are (the prejudices and stereotypes people have are incredible) — then the looks they get on their faces when I tell them I dropped out are always priceless. I believe you will do well in life.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Thanks for posting Nat! I was actually a college dropout myself and just recently started back at college (over 10 years later) to pursue something I am very passionate about, and am doing quite well… So, school is really an option at any age, if you ever even did want to go back. I also did not feel my time was wasted at college (maybe my money), I met a lot of friends and learned a lot and took home some valuable life lessons. I wish you luck in all your endeavors and hope you find some inner peace…

    I also hope you and your parents can get things worked out! It is amazing the power their opinions can come to have over us.

    Take Care!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. “A mans steps are ordered by the lord
    How then can a man understand his way?”
    God has a plan for you and everywhere you’ve gone is just a part of his path

    Liked by 1 person

  14. While I value learning and economic independence, I have long questioned our culture’s educational/career demands. Even when I was in my late teens (graduated from high school), while I went off to college as a matter of sequence, I believed that I and my peers would have learned more about life by move away from home and working for a couple of years. That would have given us experiences that might have made our college years more valuable, or given some a realization that additional degrees would not be worth the time and effort. Too often, I meet younger folks (I’m nearing the 60 range) who have years of additional education, diplomas, certificates, etc. which they do not value nor use. Our educaitonal systems, especially with technical colleges and on-line learning, are much more accepting of older learners (e.g. late 20’s to 40’s) and those you are ready for career changes after 20 years of doing this-and-that. When I did get back to college (mid-20’s), while studying for a career (occupational therapy), I chose to miinor is something unrelated (art history). Yes, after 30 years in my career, I still enjoy it. But, going to an art museum or traveling to a destination with history is much more of a passion. – Oscar

    Liked by 1 person

  15. So difficult to know what you want when you’re young. I’ve been to college more times than I care to admit to, and I always did really well. Thing is, I was better at the studying part, not so good at making a career at what I studied. I start a career, find out I couldn’t do the job with my mental health intact, and then float onward to something else. I regularly disappointed my family with this pattern. I wish I had gone with my original instinct… to work for a few years, then go to college.

    Good luck with your career. You seem quite talented. Cheers – David

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My mother met and married my father ath the university, and dropped out after having me. My wife – once a very good student of mine, though with panics and stresses, dropped out a few years into post graduate work. My sister the mathematician dropped out – she eventually became a school administrator instead of a professor. I by sheer stubbornness made it to professor – then dropped out to work in m,y field outside the university.

      Each has a path. Each path is different. God steers us – And too often we resist. We need to follow even when we do not understand

      Liked by 1 person

  16. I sympathize with you dropping out of college. I am a college drop out, too. The stress level was just way too high. It got to the point I was feeling ill.

    I have looked at your art. It’s quirky, it’s lovely. It’s the stuff childhood dreams are made out of. You have talent. As a writer and a fine art photographer, or in other words a fellow creative soul, let me tell you that you are going to suffer for your art. But through it all you will learn and grow, and it will give you meaning and purpose.

    God gave us talents, but with those talents he has given us a heavy burden. Keep working. Keep trudging on.

    Thank you for your thoughts. You have a new follower.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s