Road to self-love is a mess

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Hey. Let me tell you short story or more like a confession of mine that I still can’t believe I’m actually gonna write all down after never ever speaking to anybody about this.

There will be a lot of trigger warnings in this article and probably a lot of judgement of my person and that’s totally ok. So here I go:

Based on the title of this article you might have guessed correctly that this will be about how I become more self-aware, self-confident, proud of myself for everything I came through and everything I  become. It wasn’t pretty road but it was mine and it was the one that led me to this confession moment.

Since I was a kid I was always a little overweighted, nothing serious just maybe 5 kg over the standard. I had genetically wider hips and all my fat would attack to my lover stomach, ass and hips. Growing up in a different ideal female body imagine from todays one I was very well aware of my unfavourable looks. Besides having your family and friends always pointing your flaws was not helpful either. I was teenage girl with insecurities –  nothing special right. Even thought I had it all – I was healthy,  had wholesome family, school, friends, I was never short of money or food but I still was an ungrateful little brat and hated myself for not being perfect. I hated my thighs and my stomach and it wasn’t like II just sat there hating myself without actually trying to change it. I exercised a lot, tried shit ton of diets over the years for example one where I lost 10 kg over 2 months so go and figure out how healthy that is and how easily I gained them all back.

I didn’t realize how bad my obsession with my weight got until the time when I was standing in front of toilet bowl with back of my paining brush stuck down my throat trying to vomit food I just ate thinking about how I just can’t have any more fat on my stomach. I would break down in quiet cry every time I was unsuccessful in my bulimia attempts – I could never have my family know about this, I kept it quiet, I wiped my tears away, hide my brush, put on my rude teenager mask on that’s always easier to maintain than actual vulnerable one.

I would try to starve myself but I could never go more that 3 days without food until someone noticed or my strong will would break. I felt like I lost control over my life. I felt like I couldn’t change or affect anything no matter how hard I tried to change my body it remained the same. I felt helpless and that’s when I slipped into self-harm.

I started out easily. I would put rubber band over my wrists and pull it out and let it slap my wrist as harder as possible. Sounds ridiculous but if you do this over 100 times over and over again your small capillary veins would burst resulting in reddish/blueish bruise shaped like a line under the rubber band and it hurts a lot. Great advantage is capillary amazing ability to recover so in a couple of hour I would have no proof that I hurt myself in any way. I had easy access to rubber bands and no one would question why I have so many rubber bands. Disadvantage is the slap noise – people could hear it and question you about it. Living in all girls dormitory I would solve this problem quite easily. I would put my rubber band on in night-time, go to toilet (we had common bathrooms) and I would slap myself all the way there. Sounds of slapping would get covered by noise of my footsteps, I would continue on toilet as well  cuz no one would question me for noises I make at toilet. By the morning my bruises would disappear unless I would crossed the line and overdue my actions. That happened several times so I would wear some bracelets to cover the bruises for few days until my skin would recover.

Pain was quite addictive for me and I needed something more to make me feel better about myself. What I did next was find some sharper object like pin or hair clip and I would drag its tip over my skin to leave bright pink lines. I wouldn’t scratch myself to blood as that would be harder to explain if someone noticed and I would never do them in typical self harm locations such as wrist. I would “accidentally” scratch myself on the back on my hand, shoulder or leg and made up story about loose nail at my wardrobe door that I clumsily hurt myself on. Each line I would do to my skin would have its own made up but believable story I could tell people just in case. But in reality no one really gave a damn.

Another “easy form” of self-harm I practised was playing with fire, pouring hot wax over my hands or I would hold my wrist over flame just to see how long could I hold it up. Not very practical method as you don’t have candles with you all the time, when things go to shit and you just need to do something just to feel something other than misery. Easy and accessible way to bleed was just simple scratching of every existing scar or acne I had on my body until just deep scar holes reminded – mostly my face, arms or back. There was something about scratching my skin bleeding that inspired me into my next horrible step.

By this point you must be really horrified and discussed with my actions and I totally get you. I’m honestly having out-of-body experience right now cuz I can not relate to that person I used to be anymore and it’s so absurd that I actually did that and all of the reasons why I did it is so blurry right now but back then it all made sense. I had control, secret, I felt special. My creativity was a curse in this case as I kept finding new ways to hurt myself.

There is nothing you can’t do if you put your mind to it but what if your mind is sick?

At that time I got my first razor blade. I couldn’t simply buy one cuz I couldn’t face the looks of cashiers. So I would buy simple pencil sharpener for few cents, take it down into pieces, pick out small blade that was sharp and easy to hide in my wallet, dispose the blade-less sharpener in toilet roll and throw it out into garbage hoping no one would look through my garbage and find out about my dirty little secret. I was so paranoid people would find out – I mean seriously who would ever go through my trash?

So I started really cutting myself but I still got to be smart about it, I couldn’t cut at very visible place that could not be explained logically. I never made a cut on my arms cuz that would be just too obvious. I cut my upper thighs ,the part that could be covered even in shorts, and my stomach – the places I hated the most.

I would always do this in bathroom = I got privacy, I could take my time, I could wipe the blood with toilet roll  and flush it down so no one would ever know. I remember making my first horizontal cut on my tight and watching small blood dots appear, felt the rush of excitement and adrenalin flow through my body cuz I was ding something wrong, forbidden. Over the weeks I kept making more and deeper cuts, watching blood drip from my thighs, enjoying the sweet pain. All I was afraid was someone noticing, so I was very careful when I was changing in front of my roommates or classmates at PE class. One time my classmate asked me what I had on my thigh, panic rushed over me but I was prepared as I went over potential scenarios in my head million times – “my dog scratched me” .This went on for around one year.

No one asked me if I was OK and I was both relieved and disappointed.

So what changed ? How did I over come it?

Well luckily even through my strong self-destructive sense I still had some self-preservation left and my fear of being exposed and shame became stronger than my need for control.  It wasn’t day-to-day change. Slowly, as summer was approaching and I would have to wear swimsuits and expose my damaged areas I tried to limit my actions to minimum and instead I went back to my good old rubber band.

I never made too deep cut to actually endanger my life, I would disinfect the cuts afterwards so they won’t get infected, I was using scar reducing oils to make them less visible. I thought it through and that’s the scariest part. I knew what I was doing, I was very well aware, I planed it, made arrangements, covered the evidences, treated results and repeated it again. I knew it was wrong and I should hide it and I still remain doing it. Made me feel powerful, I had an impact, I knew something no one else knew. I was present at every moment, not like many other who practise self harm unconsciously –  like this colleague of mine who when she’s in s stressful time in her life would get this black outs when she doesn’t know what she’s doing and she just cut herself everywhere, arms, shoulders and even her face are covered in deep cuts.

After all this time there was just one person who knew what I was doing – some random girl on the internet I was talking to at that time, we had similar music taste and that’s how we met. She was hurting herself too so I felt like she could understand what I felt so I shared my secret with her. I don’t even know her name anymore and we no longer talk but the fact that someone somewhere knew and actually understand was so relieving for me. Most important for me was that she was a stranger, she didn’t know me she just know what I wanted her to know. We never met, we communicated just through texts and that was the beauty in it and also a reason why I’m writing this all down. The lack of immediate response online is what makes it so much easier for me to say this. I never spoke those words out loud and even though I’m much better now, no longer hurting myself or even hate myself, I’m one year on antidepressants, I visit psychiatry regularly for check ups, I don’t think I’m ready to say “I cut myself” or “I am depressed” out loud cuz it’s so odd. That Natalie that felt all of those things is long gone, I don’t know her anymore, she left me with just a memories and scars to prove that all of those things were real.

It’s not like I suddenly got better, I just stopped hurting myself in physical way, I fell into more dull, in my head, melancholy period, don’t really care or wanted to make an effort to do some change. I knew when to smile, knew what to tell to mask what I was feeling and just kinda went with the flow that resulted in my final mental breakdown almost 5 years later. I talked about that in my most popular article How I became a vegetarian and how my mental health made me stop

You don’t know me and I don’t know you, this article may not affect you in any way and your opinion of me won’t make a change. It would be much different for people close to me to find out about my secret, as they could actually face me and call me out on it and that still scares me. So why am I writing this?

To put it all behind me. Write it all down, have it black on white and forget about it. Every article I write on renegade7x goes like this: I write down everything I want to say, edit misspellings (sometimes not as precisely as you might noticed) and forget what I was writing about and never read it again.

I realize this might seem like a manual for people in same bad place as I was in but it’s also a guide on how to help – all of the things you might notice in your close ones suffering from self-destructive thoughts. It’s also a proof that things gets better.

Cheesy like that.

I’m still little chubby, I have big ass, wide hips, lumpy thighs, stomach fat, so much scars, stretch marks, cellulite, acne and I never been more self-confident. I’m confident I’m gonna make it after everything I went through. My body has extra weight and so much extra strength. The fact that I’m alive and better is so overwhelming and young Natalie sitting with the razor blade in the bathroom would never dream of such feeling.

If you managed to read through this all and not run away with discuss I honestly appreciate you so much. Mental health is still a taboo and people with mental health problems are still considered crazy freaks and I don’t blame you for thinking so of me as well – I admit it my actions were crazy.

There is this quote from Neil Gaimans  American God’s book that I can’t stop thinking about:

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You might not agree with this quote, or have different interpretation than I do, but this is how I see it: I did what I did because it made sense at that time, my brain was telling me to do it and how do I refuse my brain? Even when I fell into severe depression, I couldn’t sleep, eat or basically function, I felt constant pain that was not actually there but I still felt it. My brain was telling me it’s real and I believed my beautiful dysfunctional brain. You have to listen to your body no matter what bullshit it’s telling you.

You can’t really hide from your mind.

If you know what I’m talking about and can relate to my situation I’m truly sorry you have to go through this, I hope you have someone who see there’s something wrong with you and will help you through this. If not you’ll have to do the hard work and pull yourself up on your own. I did and I adore myself for it.

I love my family, I love my friends but in the end I’m all I’ve got.

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Thank you so much for your attention

stay strong

xo Natalia

 

 

 

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Posted by

Natalia 22 Slovak. Read about my passion for fashion, travel and personal experiences.

106 thoughts on “Road to self-love is a mess

    1. Very good. I’ve been very in tune with the psychology of my past lately. Deriving a good account of all the experiences I’ve had and understanding myself is what I rely on to build a career.

      Like

  1. A powerful statement that took strength and endurance to get it all down. I think you’re right that this could help others in your situation. No equivocation here, no “well, maybe not so” or such like but direct and to the point.

    Can I assume it hurt to write? I’m going through that with a memoir project.

    Thank you for liking my poem!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Natalia, thank you for sharing your experience so honestly. I really honor you for that and the way you let go and open to more self-love. Thank you for visiting my blog, and I’m sending you a blessing however that serves you.
    Come back to my blog anytime!!

    😊 Debbie

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The road to self love is a very arduous one Natalia, with many bumps and bruises (and cuts) to finally understand…us. But it is that very journey that allows us to appreciate what we have endured and find that ‘thing’ we are all looking for, that happiness and love that we look for in our relationships all our lives…not realising it is ‘us’ that is missing, that place we separate within by our fears in our childhood years.
    Glad to hear your ‘happiness’ has been found. And if you are interested I have heard this site is also a healing place similar to yours where your heart is opened to share with others who are enduring those painful places within Beauty Beyond Bones .

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Thank you so much for stopping by Chapel of Hope Stories and following them now. It always makes my day….love your honesty and raw feelings concerning problems in life…it is so refreshing isn’t it to let go of public image, others’ thoughts or judgments and just be who we are meant to be.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hello Natalia. I just read your post. I understand that you are struggling to love yourself and your body. I honestly believe that we should workout, eat healthy and maintain a healthy lifestyle. However, we need to be aware that everything in this life including our bodies, they would fade away when we die. We need to make sure that we are not distracted by the things of the world. We need to be worried about God and eternal life. God is real, heaven and hell are also real. Everything in life (jobs, marriages, food etc.) all of these fade away when a person dies. It is our actions in life and the value of our relationship with God that determines whether we enjoy heaven and eternal goodness, or hell and eternal torment. People these days are more worried about how they look, what to wear, what job to begin and other earthly things, they often forget about the eternal life. The devil has succeeded in sucking people into distractions. While you have life, you still have a chance at repentance. Hell is not a place that anyone enjoys, and God does not like putting us in hell either. Please I beg you, if you do not have a relationship with him, please begin one today. God is willing to forgive you and accept you.

    God says in Isaiah 1: 18
    ““Come now, let’s settle this,”
    says the Lord.
    “Though your sins are like scarlet,
    I will make them as white as snow.
    Though they are red like crimson,
    I will make them as white as wool.”

    God also says in Jeremiah 29:11
    “11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope”.

    Your past sins, past failures and flaws, do not matter to God. God is willing to cleanse you. He is ready, in Isaiah 1:18 mentioned above, he says “come now”. Building a relationship with God is a win-win. He would direct you, guide you and bless you in this life.
    God says in Isaiah 1:19 “If you will only obey me, you will have plenty to eat”.
    God would also carve out a place for you in the eternal life. So you see, there is nothing to lose except sins and bad behaviors. I strongly suggest that you begin a relationship with him today.

    To build a relationship with God, here are the steps that I recommend:

    1. Confession of faith: you need to find a quiet space. Imagine that Jesus is in front of you. Ask him for forgiveness of your past sins, of the sins of your ancestors. Ask him to give you the strength to forgive those who have offended you. Honestly, I suggest that you forgive the people who have offended you, because whatever they did to you is now in the past, and upon a confession of Jesus as your Lord, you become a new creation. Tell him that you want him to come and be your lord and personal savior, and surrender to him. You need to know that Jesus died for you. He died on the cross so that you may have a chance at salvation. The minute you give your life to Jesus, you need to know that you can no longer live as you wish, you shall live according to the stipulations in the bible. Believe in your heart that Jesus was rose up from the dead by God, and confess with your mouth that he is the messiah and your personal savior.

    2. Prayers: ask Jesus to bless you with eternal life. Tell him to make a place for you in his heavenly abode. You need to understand that praying for heaven is the best prayer that you can ever pray. Life on earth is so short, you need to be worried about eternal life, which is so much longer. God knows that you need clothes, food, shelter etc. He is your creator and he knows your every need. The bible tells us to pray for eternal life and God would provide our other needs (i.e. clothes, shelter etc.) according to his riches. If there is something bothering you, tell God in prayer, commit it to him and ask him to do it for you. However, bear in mind that this life is temporary and so are the things in this life. When you are praying, the devil will try to disrupt your prayers by bringing sudden disturbances and evil thoughts. An example of an evil thought that the devil tries to use to stop people from praying is by bringing the thought that Jesus is not present and that they are simply wasting their time. Jesus is there with you when you pray. So pray like you mean it. Pray the same way you will if Jesus was right in front of you because he is. You need to understand how prayers work as well. You see, when you pray, God answers prayers. God usually has three answers to prayers Yes, Yes but Wait, and No. God has a reason for every answer that he gives. He loves you and he will make sure that everything works out well for you in the end. When you get a No from God, sometimes it is not because that thing is not good for you at that point in time, but it may be because God is trying to draw your attention to something that you are doing wrong in your life. When you get a No from God, you need to evaluate yourself, what is the motive of your prayer? is it pure? Is it Godly? Is there an area of sin in your life that you need to work on? When you reflect on these things and you find something in yourself lacking, try to fix it. When God says Yes to prayers and sends you his blessings, trust me, there are spiritual forces of the devil in high places that work against people so that their blessings from God would not reach them. You need to pray against these spiritual forces. Rebuke them by the power and the name of Jesus. This way, your blessings would be able to reach you. Lastly, some people pray lazy prayers. For example, someone might pray for a job, without actually applying to any. God does not reward laziness. When you are praying for something, you need to be putting some work in as well. God rewards hard-work and we ought to strive to be hardworking. God’s role is to direct, bless, and make your path clear. He would be with you. You need to make sure that you are close to God in prayer. Do not cease to tell him about what you are struggling with. If you are struggling with sins of the flesh that you believe are hindering your spiritual growth, you need to make sure that you tell God. Make sure that you pray for an increment in faith. Faith is important, you need to have faith in God. When we pray, we need to have faith, God does not like it when we doubt his ability to provide us with what we want, he is mighty and nothing is impossible with him. When you are low in faith, pray to God for an increment in faith. Remember to pray for your family, your city, your country and the world in fact, no prayers are too big for God. Pray that unsaved people would be saved. Pray for your non-Christian family members, pray that they see the light and become saved. When you pray, make sure that you take care of sins. The bible says that we need to forgive others if we want our sins to be forgiven. Make sure you forgive others, ask for forgiveness of your sins first before praying. Sins can block your prayers from getting to God. Try to avoid sin, but pray for forgiveness of sins everyday, because sometimes, we are not aware of the sins that we are committing. If you want, you can also pray about your weight, God can help you with that too.

    3. The Bible: You need to make sure that you are reading the bible and that you are obeying it. I suggest you begin with the New Testament because the coming of Jesus changed many of the things that were practised before. However, bear in mind that the old testament is also important. You can find free bible apps on google play. You can also find free bibles online. The New Living Translation is an easy to read bible version. However, the most popular one is the King James Version.

    4. Hearing from God: Trust me, God would speak to you. He would speak to you through dreams. Through people, through situations, through the bible and so much more. You need to practice and perfect the art of hearing God’s voice. Dreams contain a lot of symbolism. When you possess an avid knowledge of what the bible says, you would understand the biblical meaning of all the symbols in your dreams. However, for now, you can search online bible dream dictionaries for the meaning of things you see in your dream. You also need to know that although there are general meanings for some symbols, some interpretations are based on context. Take context into account. God does communicate via dreams. Sometimes, you might be asking God for direction on something. Pay attention to the words all around you during this time i.e, the things people say, words you see when reading the bible etc. Sometimes you might even just turn on your TV and the TV anchor would say something that directly relates to what you are going through. Pay attention to these things. You would know it is God’s voice when whatever is said is not in contradiction to the bible and God’s nature. If it is in contradiction then it might just be something random that popped up. As you practise the art of listening and hearing, God might give you the gift of seeing visions or the gift of hearing an inner voice, and take you to deeper depths of hearing.

    5. Fasting: fasting is an effective way to get God’s attention. Fasting is a way to spend time with him. You deprive yourself of food because what you seek for is more than food. There are different types of fasting, and you need to plan what works for you. There is the:

    A. Avoidance fasting: This is a fasting form where you avoid something that you cannot do without i.e. Coffee.

    B. Daniel’s fast: In this sort of fasting, you only eat fruit and vegetables and drink water. You do not eat anything cooked or anything other than fruits and vegetables.

    C. Water fast: In this sort of fasting, you do not eat anything, you only drink water. No food, just water.

    D. Total fast: In this sort of fasting, you do not eat or drink anything. You do not drink even water.

    Make sure that you work out what works for you. You can pray to God for directions on the timing of the fasting to follow. However, as a general time-frame, on fasting days, many Christians fast from 6am to 6pm. Many Christians also use those moments when they feel hungry/ feel cravings as prompts to pray. You need to have increased prayers during fasting periods.

    6. Temptations: When you believe in Jesus. Trust me, the devil sometimes would throw trials and tribulations into your life, the goal of this is to get you to denounce your faith. The goals is to frustrate you. You need to pray and fast when trials and tribulations strike. God would never leave you or forsake you. He would be with you and with God, you will overcome this if it ever happens.

    7. Spreading the gospel: Now that you know the truth, you are chosen. It is now your duty to share the truth in the bible with others. Make sure that you save people from falling prey to Satan’s tactics. You need to join the fight to depopulate the devil’s camp, while populating God’s kingdom. With spreading the gospel, do not feel the need to finish reading the whole bible before you begin. You can teach people the little you know.

    8. Read: There is a lot of material out there. There are ministers of God who have practised for about 40 years. These people have a lot of stories about their ministry. Some of them have the gift to heal others, others see visions, some of them hear God’s voice. Many of these people have written books about how they accomplished what they have accomplished, and how they got their gift. Buy these books and read them. If you do not have money, some of these ministers have shared their stories for free on YouTube, take advantage of that.

    9: Reform yourself: begin to watch Christian movies and listen to Christian music. Make sure that your thoughts, actions, and words are in obedience to the word of God. Make sure that you are not doing anything sinful in your thoughts, actions or words. Refine your world, the space around you, the things you see and hear, make it all about God. You can also join a community of bible believing Christians. However, I need to tell you that there is sectarianism in the religion. Do not pay attention to sectarianism, pay attention to the bible. The bible is your authority. If a church seems to have too much sectarianism issue going on, if they are more focused on promoting their denomination than promoting God and the word in his bible, you need to stop going there. Get a water baptism, and pray so that God would baptise you in the holy spirit.

    (I know I have written this list in the order of 1 to 9. It is crucial that you begin with Step 1. Prayers are something that you need to do constantly, so is bible study, hearing from God and reforming yourself. However, you can start small with fasting and spreading the gospel. You can start by preaching to your family members in the beginning phase of spreading the gospel, but you need to expand on these over time. I know this list seems long and all these seem deep, but trust me, you would blend into it so easily and it would become second nature to you. Pray to God to make all of these easy for you, and he will. The devil would try to trick you into believing that God’s standards are too high and that you would never overcome sin, when in actuality, you can. So therefore, pray to God and believe and he would help you overcome sin).

    If you have any questions, feel free to let me know. If you need to talk, I am here for you. God bless you. Have a blessed day 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. man
      you certainly can bang on about god and Jesus can’t you.
      Well do you know something
      the religion business is exactly like the fashion and dieting industry.
      A crock of shit that preys on the natural tendencies of people to be unsure of themselves…
      and i think talking to a person that has had weight and body image issues about
      “fasting to see god” and “working out is ok”
      is neither helpful nor healthy.
      Your whole post struck me as just one long mental ramble
      by an online bible salesman
      looking to steal another soul…
      Despicable,

      And what is worse is you know I am right
      but you will lie and tell me i am wrong.
      and that you only came with good intentions…
      When really you came to sell your god to next person
      as you think that is what being holy is…
      Like I said
      Despicable…

      Like

      1. Hello Friend. I just read this reply from you. I sense so much anger and rage in your comment. All i did was share the truth. Concerning your idea that religion is a business, I want to ask, where are you focusing? Are you focusing on God or the people? People are flawed, God is not. That is the reason why i included a detailed list of what to do by herself to connect with God, instead of simply asking her to come to this church or that church. Nevertheless, churches can still be useful provided that they are attended by true believers. There is corporate anointing in the gathering of the saints. I rest my case here though. You strike me as someone who would not believe in God even if I won you at a logical debate on God. My question though, is why?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. stop preying on the vulnerable, which is what you are doing…If a god exists i will meet him, but the bible and all holy books were written by MEN, I do not need your condescending attitude. You are just someone who is brainwashed and in the throes of religious mania. unyil you seek your own freedom aa you will ever be is a slave to the god business…

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      3. My dear friend. The words in the bible were written by man, but inspired by the holy spirit.

        Revelations 22:18-19 says ” I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this scroll: If anyone adds anything to them, God will add to that person the plagues described in this scroll. 19 And if anyone takes words away from this scroll of prophecy, God will take away from that person any share in the tree of life and in the Holy City, which are described in this scroll”.

        The verse above explicitly warns that God would punish anyone who adds or removes from the word of God. Yes sure, translations might be different, but adding the words of man to the words of God is a sin, and something that God would not tolerate.

        I do not know if you noticed, but Natalia liked my last reply to you. She is clearly on my side. God has her, she would not be misdirected by you. It is wise to stop trying now.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I, too, want to commend you for your honesty. Now that you’ve sorted through your thoughts, motivations, emotions, etc. and written it all down, you may very well find yourself making different choices. One of those choices might be to explore a relationship with God. I know of countless people who have been through great hurt and difficulty, who have decided to let him into their lives (He’s a gentleman and never forces himself on anyone.), and they now experience the peace of mind, joy of heart, and hope for the future he promises to everyone who believes in him. I, too, hope you find someone to help you on your journey toward health and wholeness. P.S. Thank you for becoming a follower of my blog, From the Inside Out. I pray you’ll find encouragement there, when you’re able to visit!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thanks for sharing your honest journey to health. We all have issues – different ones – but ones that we hide and then say – NO MORE shame or NO MORE hiding. Good for you and thanks for liking my post.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thank you for sharing such a personal and painful story! I’m sure by writing and sharing you will help so many others suffering as you did! Definitely a new follower and I look forward to reading more posts!

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  9. Natalia, thank you for your courage in sharing this. It was hard to read, but I really connected with your story. I went through a four-year stint with depression during college. I remember feeling ashamed and trying to hide what was going on from my roommate, friends, and professors. I never turned to self-harm, but there was one night when I had someone drive me to the hospital because I realized that I had the desire, a plan, and the means to kill myself. Confessing how badly I was depressed was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And I remember the moment that came a few months after I started getting help when I realized that I’d had a good day. I’m grateful every day that I did not kill myself. I hope that others who have won or who are still fighting a mind battle are encouraged by your story. Thanks again for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Wow! What an article, I love it. It is very inspirational, I like your literature skills and I’m glad that you managed to overcome the challenges you were facing. You just made my day. Sent from Mail for Windows 10

    Liked by 1 person

  11. appreciating your honesty and courage..may you feel love, peace and good health. May you love yourself and feel the presence of god within your heart and may you remember god is always there for you all the time. Stay happy and healthy 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. It takes so much to not only just open up to one person yet alone just be out and open publicly. As i am barely entering this zone of strength within my self, i loved this. We are all fucked up in oir own ways and that is what makes each of us beautiful. What we go through no matter what is the biggest peice of who we can and will become. As i have done much self harm, just in different ways i loved connecting through reading this. Keep going girl, love it 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  13. For the poet and the artist, there are ways of waking the inner self, the spiritual side of being. Very much like for Eastern methods of yoga. When mind and soul harmonize and one can surely feel this in exercising, the conscious levels of a person begin to clear up. It takes a long time to learn such techniques and become one’s guru. However, thank you for sharing your story of pain and suffering, we as poets and artists can relate to.
    All the very best,
    zoltanzelan.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. We can do our anger and rage and killing inward or out. I tried to starve myself, hang myself many many years ago- all in an attempt to kill the abuse that was placed inside me. If we don’t find out WHY we want to harm ourselves it just morphs into another shameful form. I hope you find and keep peace 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Girl you are totally fuckable,
    nowt wrong with you….
    Let me tell you little secret,
    Men Just like women have different types of women and body shapes and hair colours
    that they find attractive and rest assured that somewhere
    some man is dreaming of getting down and dirty down a back alley or somewhere
    with a wide hipped hot young girl with meat on her bones like you.

    So you don;t have to starve yourself into misery to fit into some Gay mans fantasy or neurotic fashion editors ideal as all that is for is to destabilise healthy normal women like you into feeling vulnerable and lost
    so you will buy any shit they offer you
    to raise your self esteem at an inflated price
    So they can dine out on your misery that they induced
    and makes them rich for doing nothing but being
    JUDGEMENTAL CUNTS..

    So heres my advice to you lover
    Do not be fooled any longer by that shit.
    You look fine as you are.
    By the way thanks for the like on my post
    noce to think someone is looking
    and if you want to know more about who I am
    Just google WHITEHARIENT and follow the first link or two…

    Cheers

    Anthony…

    Like

  16. I admire your courage and your strength. We all struggle with mental health problems it jus varies with intensity. I read every single word that you wrote. I felt your pain. I felt your struggles. My wish for you is to continue to fight, continue to inspire, and most importantly continue to live.

    Like

  17. Hi Natalia 🙂
    An honest post and well written.
    Natascha, now my wife, has badly scarred arms from when she was a teenager. When we first met she was worried that I wouldn’t like her because of the cut scars, but I put her mind at ease by telling her that they were Ralph’s Tribal Markings 🙂 ❤

    Like

  18. All we have to believe with is our senses. Your perception of life is colored by the interpretation of what you see, feel, hear, touch and remember. You’ve probably already heard that from the therapist. Your descriptions of your behaviors did not result in disgust in most of your readers I would think, more pity and sympathy. Telling people about your impression of yourself and getting “Poor Baby” and “I know how you feel” from people would tend to make me think, “No you don’t. You don’t know me, and you don’t understand my secret so I’m not going to tell you any more.” Getting past this picture of yourself must have been quite a journey! What I did was to experience more, to see more, to hear more, and to access happy memories. That is still not easy. But the feeling of aloneness is much easier when you have a religious background. “Jesus loves me, this I know…” brings the feeling that someone loves you despite what you look like, what you’ve done, and what you’re thinking. I wouldn’t be here, typing, if I hadn’t had that to rely on.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. You’re a girl, Natalie. You are a person, like the rest of us – a bag of complexes, regrets, loves and guilts because life, and particularly the bigots in life, won’t ever let you escape from that. Just give them, and their sanctimonious advice the cold shoulder and move on. Oh, and incidentally, as a disinterested spectator, you look pretty good to me!

    Like

  20. This quote, dear Natalia, may have a lot to do with your courageous confession above:
    ‘Many of the happiest and most peaceful people I know love “a crucified God” who walks with crucified people, and thus reveals and redeems their plight as God’s own. For them, Jesus is not observing human suffering from a distance; he is somehow at the center of human suffering, with us and for us. He includes our suffering in the co-redemption of the world, as “all creation groans in one great act of giving birth” (Romans 8:22). Is this possible? Could it be true that we “make up in our own bodies all that still has to be undergone for the sake of the Whole Body” (Colossians 1:24)? Are we somehow partners with the Divine? At our best, we surely must be. But our rational minds will never fully surrender to this mystery until our minds are led by our soul and our spirit.’ (Fr. Richard Rohr)
    If you don’t know him, check him out on youtube. I is worth it. I love him, a lot.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Hey. I understand your pain. I’m a teenager myself and I’m suffering from severe anxiety. I can very well relate to your second quote. I cry but never in front of my family or friends. Reading this article, gave me hope, maybe? I don’t know. But even though I don’t know you, I can relate to you. Thank you for writing this article❤

    Liked by 1 person

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