Hey. Valentines day is just around the corner and even thought I find this whole day incredibly ridiculous and useless – on the other hand it is great day for capitalistic society. Chocolate, flowers, useless crap no one ever needs and most importantly for me – fashion sales. It’s just mind-blowing how profitable this holiday is.
I don’t get the whole concept of “love” or more importantly the interpretation of love I’m most familiar with in real life. From my personal experiences or watching my friends relationships I just don’t see this marvelous love I grew up hoping for. I grew up on Disney movies and that might have turned me into strange kind of romantic.
I am hoping for love without a doubts. For love you are completely sure of with every ounce of your being. For love that fits just right to your life. For love you don’t have to sacrifice yourself for. For love that doesn’t change you. For love that doesn’t make any other person miserable. For love you don’t settle for because you are lonely. For love that is straight up chemical in a way of your chromosomes clicking together as a perfect fit. For love that makes every cell in your body know that this is the person that creates formula of so-called “love” in your brain.
I believe that the chance of you finding your true love in this 7 billion people planet is very ludicrous. That your soul mate speaks the same language, lives in the same city or even next door is just ridiculous. That the love I’ve seen so far is just a choice affected by social need to be in a relationship. We want so desperately to feel loved that we accept the first next person who feel just as lonely as we do and label it love.
People call me cynical and claim I have no right to feel like this because I come from wholesome family. Yes I get it – people’s opinions and life views can be formed by their background – that’s true. My parens have incredible relationship and I believe they are the exception. They met in an ambulance for crying out loud, fell in love and made 3 incredible daughters. That’s love and it has been for last 25 years. They were genetically perfect fit to create next perfect generation and universe did it’s job for them to met. They are my relationship goals and every relationship I’ll ever come across to will always be in comparison to theirs.
Let me tell you about my first relationship. I was 18 and never had someone to call my “boyfriend” and I personally wasn’t bothered by it but what bothered me was other people’s view of me. I hated the pity – like I was missing something out and everyone else had it. So when my old classmate messaged me and asked me out I said yes. Seriously just like that – first guy to asked could get it just because of how left out I felt. I tried to convince myself that I liked him, he wasn’t a bad guy and everyone seemed so happy I finally had boyfriend. I was finally getting in line.
Everytime we kissed I kept thinking “This is it? This is the big thing I was missing out?” My daydreams of our relationship were much better than the reality. I expected too much I guess. I cringed every time he touched me and I felt so relieved when we had to cancel our plans. I could go days without talking to him and never even noticed. Only good thing that came out of that relationship was that I was finally able to tell the world that I was in a relationship. That I had a boyfriend. Except I didn’t wanted to. I didn’t want people to know, I actually felt ashamed to be in a relationship that felt so fake cuz it was just fake.
For me it was like social experiment. How would it feel to have a boyfriend. I believe for him it was the same. We grew up in a small town and our list of friends wasn’t that wide. He literally just thought about all of the girls he knew, discard the ones that already had a boyfriend and choose the prettiest one and just tried his luck. Lucky for him that girl was feeling just as lonely as he did and was so desperate for socially acceptable status.
Fun fact: few years later he tried the same move on my best friend, even used the same pick up lines. They have been together for around 7 months, met like 5 times, decided they wanted to live together in my and my (former) best friends apartment, kick me out of my home, put me in debt and all in the name of “LOVE“.
Then there were bunch of guys but they all had one similarity. They all made me over think – what would happen if I decided to date them. And that’s deal breaker for me – if it leaves me wondering what if? it’s just not right.
I felt jealous of other people’s happiness. How can they have IT and I don’t ?
Until I realized most of the people are just faking it till they make it. Forced love and I’m pretty sure I could spend my time more efficiently than trying to convince everyone else and myself that I am in love, normal, just like anybody else.
What I’m trying to say is that if the whole universe has to come together for you to meet the right person (and imagine the countless times it had to work its magic for your parents to meet and make you, their parents to make them and so on..) it definitely won’t be for a guy who makes you feel worthless, forbids you to have any other friends besides him, gets jealous of your girlfriends, cheats, beats, lies to you….
Otherwise it’s just a simple choice, destiny is not real and you can just pick up random person to spend your life with and act out everything you feel like you’re supposed to be feeling. How romantic is that?
Just stop being do desperate to be in love and just live.
There is just so much more to do, to be, to see in this world than to dedicate your life to search for your other half. It takes a time to learn how to love yourself so much you don’t feel like a half anymore.
I wish you all so much love not only on this years Valentines day. I wish you all find the love that gives purpose to everything thar ever happened to you. I wish you hold onto the true love you already have in your life.
Thank you so much for your attention